Ok. I have given a lot of shit to poor Sofia Vergara, both here and on Facebook, the last couple of days, but I love her. Love her! Like many of you, I am a Modern Family junkie and Gloria and Cam are my favorite characters. Let's face it. I wouldn't have bought anything from the Sofia Vergara collection, at Kmart no less, if I didn't like her style. I just can't pull it off. My darling husband once told me he thought her boobs might actually be bigger than mine. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's all an illusion. Mine are definitely bigger but lower and they are slowly morphing into my waist so they simply appear smaller in comparison to the rest of me. Sofia's are perky and sit atop a tiny midsection, the likes of which I haven't seen since 10th grade.
Since I thought I owed it to Sofia to make up for this bashing in some minuscule way, I have chosen one of her dresses for today as an homage, so to speak. I don't have anywhere to be today anyway, except on my deck with mi amor, Al Cohol, so what the hell. The only public ridicule I will endure is right here in the comfort of my own blog.
Before I get to my critique of the outfit, I actually have a confession. I did not buy this at Kmart. I actually liked it so much when I saw it somewhere on the internet and realized it was no longer available at Kmart, that I searched eBay. I know! Right? eBay! Another confession is that I like Sofia's style so much so that I have many, many Sofia-esque items that I purchased long before I even knew who she was. No need to fret. We'll get to those eventually. I must be channeling my inner Latina. Now about this dress:
First impression, again, this is surprisingly good quality. I mean, for Kmart. Which, by the way, always strikes me as one of the saddest retail places on earth. Every Time I go in there it gives off a vibe like it's on the verge of going out of business. They should really speak to the Walmart gurus who are responsible for that company's remodels but I digress.
Sooo, the one shoulder thing. Hmmm. I have a love/hate relationship with this style. I love that straight on it can give a really nice impression. Something about the asymmetric line of it that is slimming and graceful across the shoulders. I hate that it exposes my lunch lady arm and I am forced to remember to only wave with one hand to avoid knocking someone over with the other. Arm flab flapping away. And I hate having to address the boobage. What to do with that one? Today I have simply pulled my arm through the strap and tucked it in. If the lighting were better, you would see that one boob is significantly lower than the other. Ughhh. Not a viable option for anywhere but the deck. I have similar issues when it comes to strapless. I could get into a 5 page rant on bras but I think I'll save it for another day. I will say only this, I do not have a vast collection of them and for good reason.
As for the rest of this dress, I don't think it's horrible but I may have a magic mirror. Feel free to tell me otherwise. It goes from very tiny while laying on the bed to much bigger when you put it on and holding up a garment that looks tiny on the hanger, makes you feel better, even if it's a kind of placebo effect. I do love a stretchy something. But I think this is a dress that requires some type of under garment to smooth the bod. I would say Spanx but I HATE SPANX! Hate them. Hate trying to put them on and getting all sweaty which just makes them harder to put on. Hate how I feel in them. Hate, hate, hate having to pee while I'm out and the inevitable knock down, drag out battle I will go through in the ladies room. And the noises that come out of you while this is happening are unforgivable. It's worth getting dehydrated to avoid this altogether. Just stay parched, ladies. I feel incredibly betrayed that a woman invented this modern day version of the chastity belt.
But overall, Hoarder Jane is going to keep this dress. I will likely never, ever have a place to wear a turquoise snake print, one shoulder, stretchy dress but I like it, so there. It stays in the collection. Sofia = 1. Jane = 0. By the way, notice anything different about my hair? Daisy Fuentes hair extensions. Not bad but not great either. Cute for a few hours. And although I have only been there about 6 times ever, also found at Kmart!
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