The thing about blogging is you really need to like blogging. Really.

Apologies for not posting in a week!! I said 365 days but I didn't say they would be consecutive. The thing I have found about blogging is that you really need to like blogging and writing in order to keep up with it.  Who knew? I did wear outfits and took pictures and I will post them with comments as soon as I have the time to write about them.  Or maybe I'll just post them all and you people can write about them. We can play "Name Those Cheap Clothes." Stay tuned.  But here is one of my favorite looks.

P.S. As I write this that Pioneer Woman is playing in the background cooking with some home school collective. Yeah, if I lived in between Nowhere and West Nowhere, I could blog all day and home school and cook everything under the sun with butter and then end up on TV but I live in the middle of Somewhere and Everywhere, thank you very much.

The good news is, it fits. The bad news is, it fits.

I really liked this jacket when I bought it. I still do. The detail at the waist is really cute. It's from Target and I think I paid $7.00 for it on clearance. Some of the Target lines are very well made. This is Mossimo and it's one of those. I haven't worn it in a very long time. It fit when I bought it. Then I lost weight and it looked a bit droopy so I stuck it in that dark place in my closet. Now it fits again. That's a good thing for picking out something to wear today but obviously sucks big time because it means I gained all the weight back. No, I'm not the village idiot. Clearly I know I gained the weight back but I really didn't need confirmation. I had to meet with clients today just for the signing of their estate planning docs so I went casual. I even wore a necklace. I find that I can only wear necklaces for a couple of hours before I feel like I'm being choked. I feel the same way about turtlenecks. I'm certain that I was strangled or beheaded in a past life.

I Knew I Would Find a Use For Those Clip-On Earrings.

Today I'm letting the Jilly Bean take over the blog.  She does not have her ears pierced so my retro clip-on earrings were the jewelry equivalent of hitting the lottery for her. She also found the hair extensions and is small enough for them to work as a wig.  She's too stinking cute for her own good.  She managed to get a dollar from both my husband and my son by "delivering packages"  The packages were boxes of my junk jewelry. Here's what I learned:

1.  She is very good at painting nails.  At least that's what she told me and then she painted my nails.

2. Her Mimi is retiring when she gets out of school so she is going to sleep on Mimi's side of the house every day and that she would probably move over there. I asked her what Mom and Dad thought of this and she said they were ok with it.  In fact, Dad is going to build bunk-beds for her and Mimi.  Mimi will sleep on the bottom. Good luck, Mimi.  

Jungle Jane Swings Again.

Another fashion trend that I buy into too often is animal prints.  At least I listen to the fashion gurus and never wear more than 1 or 2 items at a time and I never, ever mix more than one animal together. This piece is rather tame - get it?  It's from Spiegel. I had to Google to find out if they are still in business and they are! Shocking! But what do you expect from a "leading women's fashion brand since 1865." Their words, not mine. I apologize that a 10% lycra/90% cotton blend leopard had to sacrifice it's life for today's outfit.  I hope you all notice that I made a tiny effort to accessorize, albeit, poorly.  I have absolutely no ability to put outfits together.  I only added the pink because I saw an episode of "Pretty Little Liars" where Aria has a fuchsia tank under a leopard sweater.  On her, it looked adorbs. Overall, this is way cuter on the bed than on the Jane. I will leave it at that because I am in a foul mood today. 

Stevie Nicks Minus Everything Cool About Stevie Nicks.

I'm not sure how many of you remember Dots?  Oh Dots. I used to love this store for a couple of reasons.  One, everything was super cheap. Two, everything was super cheap and since both fashion and Jane are fickle, why waste a lot of money on things you will be sick of or that will be out of style soon? Who would have known that I would still be holding on to a myriad of clothing from Dots, years after they closed their doors?  Dots sold most items under $10 and it was the go-to store for clothes that you need to have self-destruct.  For instance, if you were planning to murder someone, you could buy your murderess outfit at Dots for under $20.  After you did the deed, you could take your blood soaked Dots ensemble and throw it in the washing machine whereupon it would dissolve into oblivion. And if you were unfortunate enough to have left behind a fiber (I watch Bones and all the CSIs) at the gruesome crime scene, well, good luck to the lab at trying to match it to any element known to man.  I am not sure where the materials came from for Dots clothing but I'm pretty sure the dress below has some lead paint in it  - but I think I got it on clearance for $5 so what's a little lead poisoning.

I've always been a fan of a faux wrap which is what this dress is.  There was a time when someone thought that wings on sleeves were a cute idea.  As a matter of fact, there have been several times in fashion history that this trend has appeared simply because calmer fashion heads did not prevail. And I bought into this trend every time. Maybe I was a hippy in a former life. These sleeves always remind me of Stevie Nicks minus everything cool about her style.  I probably have 15-20 dresses from this same time frame and probably all from Dots and all with these sleeves.  I clearly didn't wear any of these because if I had and if I had washed them they would not be here today to tell the tale. Or maybe I wore some and didn't wash them. Who knows? I didn't wash my hair today either.  I like bright prints even though you will find me in black 5 days out of 7 because it's slimming and it makes my hair look nice. This dress could be cute if it wasn't for a few things.  First, the hemline is all wrong.  It's too short and too long at the same time, at least for me.  Second, it should be slightly more fitted at the bottom. It seems too wide.  Or maybe I'm too wide. Or maybe it was less wide at the time I bought it but the stretch is actually starting to self-destruct without the assistance of laundering. And the sleeves... I won't lie, I have pulled these dresses out before and thought, "These are keepers. I'll just alter the sleeves to 3/4 style and they would be perfect." Yeah, right. This might have to go into the donate pile.  I'm sure there is a shopper somewhere at a Savers right this minute looking for a dress like this.

Channeling My Inner Latina

Ok. I have given a lot of shit to poor Sofia Vergara, both here and on Facebook, the last couple of days, but I love her. Love her! Like many of you, I am a Modern Family junkie and Gloria and Cam are my favorite characters. Let's face it. I wouldn't have bought anything from the Sofia Vergara collection, at Kmart no less, if I didn't like her style. I just can't pull it off. My darling husband once told me he thought her boobs might actually be bigger than mine. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's all an illusion. Mine are definitely bigger but lower and they are slowly morphing into my waist so they simply appear smaller in comparison to the rest of me. Sofia's are perky and sit atop a tiny midsection, the likes of which I haven't seen since 10th grade. 

Since I thought I owed it to Sofia to make up for this bashing in some minuscule way, I have chosen one of her dresses for today as an homage, so to speak.  I don't have anywhere to be today anyway, except on my deck with mi amor, Al Cohol, so what the hell. The only public ridicule I will endure is right here in the comfort of my own blog. 

Before I get to my critique of the outfit, I actually have a confession. I did not buy this at Kmart. I actually liked it so much when I saw it somewhere on the internet and realized it was no longer available at Kmart, that I searched eBay. I know! Right? eBay! Another confession is that I like Sofia's style so much so that I have many, many Sofia-esque items that I purchased long before I even knew who she was. No need to fret. We'll get to those eventually. I must be channeling my inner Latina. Now about this dress: 

First impression, again, this is surprisingly good quality. I mean, for Kmart. Which, by the way, always strikes me as one of the saddest retail places on earth. Every Time I go in there it gives off a vibe like it's on the verge of going out of business. They should really speak to the Walmart gurus who are responsible for that company's remodels but I digress. 

Sooo, the one shoulder thing. Hmmm. I have a love/hate relationship with this style. I love that straight on it can give a really nice impression. Something about the asymmetric line of it that is slimming and graceful across the shoulders. I hate that it exposes my lunch lady arm and I am forced to remember to only wave with one hand to avoid knocking someone over with the other. Arm flab flapping away. And I hate having to address the boobage. What to do with that one? Today I have simply pulled my arm through the strap and tucked it in. If the lighting were better, you would see that one boob is significantly lower than the other. Ughhh. Not a viable option for anywhere but the deck. I have similar issues when it comes to strapless. I could get into a 5 page rant on bras but I think I'll save it for another day. I will say only this, I do not have a vast collection of them and for good reason. 

As for the rest of this dress, I don't think it's horrible but I may have a magic mirror. Feel free to tell me otherwise. It goes from very tiny while laying on the bed to much bigger when you put it on and holding up a garment that looks tiny on the hanger, makes you feel better, even if it's a kind of placebo effect. I do love a stretchy something. But I think this is a dress that requires some type of under garment to smooth the bod. I would say Spanx but I HATE SPANX! Hate them. Hate trying to put them on and getting all sweaty which just makes them harder to put on. Hate how I feel in them. Hate, hate, hate having to pee while I'm out and the inevitable knock down, drag out battle I will go through in the ladies room. And the noises that come out of you while this is happening are unforgivable. It's worth getting dehydrated to avoid this altogether. Just stay parched, ladies. I feel incredibly betrayed that a woman invented this modern day version of the chastity belt. 

But overall, Hoarder Jane is going to keep this dress. I will likely never, ever have a place to wear a turquoise snake print, one shoulder, stretchy dress but I like it, so there. It stays in the collection. Sofia = 1. Jane = 0. By the way, notice anything different about my hair?  Daisy Fuentes hair extensions. Not bad but not great either.  Cute for a few hours.  And although I have only been there about 6 times ever, also found at Kmart!

And This B*tch...

Feast your eyes on the protective layer of dust on this gem I pulled out from under the bed? I would like to tell you that the dust is a security measure to alert me when anyone attempts to pilfer my collection of items I didn't know I had but the truth is I must be a filthy pig. No wonder I sleep so poorly in this room. This container holds about 25 stretchy garments, mostly dresses. Egads! And this bitch has three sisters under the bed with her, all containing much of the same! There are also a couple of cousins of hers in the basement... Note the Sofia Vergara tag peeking out? Oh boy!! But I'm getting ahead of myself. I just wanted to post these pics to put things in perspective. I have been conservative with Days 1 & 2 but keep your eyes peeled for the truly appalling. And note to self - clean under the bed, for the love of Pete, clean under the bed. 

Clean. Me.

Well, hello Sofia.

Two of the sisters...

Already Sick of This Game...

Yes. You read that right. It's only Day 2 and I'm sick of this game already. Day. Two.  I think this lack of fashion commitment speaks volumes about my enduring inability to sort, clean, organize my wardrobe. I have no self discipline. None. Just ask wine. There are times when I think to myself, "Self? You know what would be fun today? Cleaning out your closets!" And it is. For 20 hot minutes. In those first moments, it feels like shopping. Serotonin levels rise. Excitement builds at what you might find. You really do find things you forgot you had. May try on a few items and think "Yesss! It still fits. Kind of..." You then pull everything out and pile it on your bed with the best of intentions. Ten minutes later you look at the pile and think "Fuck this. That last thing I tried on still fits. I'm going to have a snack." After your snack, you clean the orange cheese-like powdered substance off your fingers and return to your task. You stare at the pile on your bed for awhile. 16 minutes since you started this project. You are now laying on the pile because you already need a nap. You contemplate just leaving it there for now but remember that the last time you did that you had to spend half an hour at midnight cleaning off the bed so you could sleep in it. You want to sleep on the couch for the next month and just leave it all there but if you have a significant other, that option is not available. It stops being fun real fast. So you do the only logical thing. You just cram it all back into the closet and wonder why 7 or 8 items Just Won't Fit!!!!! They fit before. What is happening here? I have a theory. Once you pull it all out, it fluffs up, stretches, spreads little fabric wings, sets it mind to being free and now physically takes up more space. The fashion equivalent of refolding a map. Thank god for GPS. There is a physicist somewhere who can help me out with this phenomenon but is not likely to be following my fashion disaster blog. 

Now about today's outfit: I never wear white.  I buy white because, like many things, the fantasy is better than the reality. I think white makes me look fat and washed out.  Maybe I just need to lose a few. Maybe I need tanning. Oh right, the melanoma ruined that. Of course I am committed to the belief that white will look better on me when I reach my ideal weight - at birth - so I continue to buy it. This sweater actually came from Walmart.  The George line. It's surprisingly good quality, so much so that I bought it in grey and black as well. But don't go looking for it.  I bought it at least 4 years ago.  I think this dress is from the Jones New York line at JC Penney.  Also surprisingly good quality but also quite old. And I washed one of those necklaces in the sink and it isn't too bad without the protective dust coating. Still working on those photographic technical details and I need to do my roots. Hey! It's National Donut Day and Dunks is giving away goodies! 

A Taste of Things to Come

I thought I would give you all a preview of some of the accessories.  Just the tip of the iceberg. Note the layer of dust?  I'm having  a slight panic attack trying to figure out how the hell I am going to pull off chokers but I think, with the right outfit, those clip-on earrings may be cute. The collection of stretchy bracelets that are so old that the elastic has actually deteriorated are clearly not wearable but the nut-job in me has decided to save the beads for a future product. Hoarders here I come...

This can't even begin to accurately convey my dismay

The clip-on earrings

The chokers! What the f&#k? 

Not completely horrendous...

Stretchy bracelets so old the elastic has deteriorated

Can you see the dust?

Why Blame Sheila?

I'm not Sheila. We'll get to her later. I'm Jane and I have a problem. I know, admitting it is half the battle and a big lie. That isn't even a tiny fraction of the battle. My problem is that I have an enormous wardrobe. Not a Kardashian kind of wardrobe. Just a melting pot of clothes I love, clothes I bought simply because they were on clearance, clothes that I just know I'll fit into one day, clothes that have never had the tags taken off and clothes I should have thrown out in 1999. I am not one of those people that periodically cleans out my wardrobe. I am not one of those people that puts her winter clothes away. I am not one of those minimalists that only wears good quality, classic pieces. I wish that were the case. I hate all of those people. 

My clothes come from a variety of places. From Ann Taylor to Walmart (yep, Walmart) and all the letters in between A and W. Some come from places that went out of business 10 years ago. So why keep them, you may ask. Well, like many of you, I may be more of a collector. Or maybe I'm headed down the path of psychological deterioration and you'll see me on an episode of Hoarders one day. I know many of you can relate. Either way, I felt the need to take a first step in addressing this problem of mine. We're running out of room. 

It came to me back when I was an attorney at the Boston Police Department. Yes, I am a lawyer. Feel free to collectively groan, insert lawyer joke, etc. One day a colleague and dear friend, Sheila, mentioned that she couldn't believe how many outfits I had and that she thought she had never seen me in the same thing twice. This wasn't necessarily a compliment so much as an observation. I am no fashion maven. So this is where we can begin to blame Sheila. The truth is, I wore lots of things over and over but simply mixed it up so it looked new. I have clothes, literally, collecting dust in my closets. Many closets. Every closet in the house actually. At the time I mentioned that I thought it would be funny to force myself to wear every outfit at least once before wearing something again. But alas, I never did and simply stuck to rotating the same things over and over.

So here I am now, committed to doing what I joked about doing long ago. An idea that was inspired by Sheila. An experiment of sorts. I am actually going to wear every outfit I own each day until I have rotated through all of my closets and giant plastic storage bins without repeating any outfit until everything has been worn once.  I predict that this experiment could take a year and will lead to some really bad fashion days but who am I trying to impress. I have only a few rules. 

1.  Formal wear (full length gowns, my wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, etc.) does not get placed in the rotation. I realize that there may be days that I look ridiculous but wearing a full length evening gown on a Tuesday afternoon to Costco would just make me look fucking crazy and I still have to live around here. Maybe at the end of this I will put together some type of collective challenge to raise money for charity and we can all wear bridesmaid dresses to court or to a Red Sox game. 

2. A few classic jackets or sweaters, as well as accessories, may be repeated. The reason for this is that I have many dresses, skirts, and pants that I wouldn't wear without a jacket to places like court so I may not have any choice but to use the same article more than once - on occasion - over a unique outfit. However, I will rotate through my accessories too, including the dusty chunky 80s/90s earrings I have held onto. Thank God I didn't save any lace, fingerless gloves and ankle socks. 

3. It has to fit. It doesn't have to fit well but nobody wants to see pieces of Jane spilling over, under and out of my clothing. Especially the boobs. Gasp!! Since I have multiple sizes in my closet, I will start with my fat clothes and hopefully work my way down. We'll see. 

4. Which brings us to number four. No purchasing of new clothes until I have worked my way through everything I own.  None! No matter how fat I get. 

5. I can throw something away or donate it to charity if it is really too hideous to be seen in. Because let's face it, there is nothing that homeless people and orphans need donated more than hideous clothes the rest of us wouldn't be caught dead in. 

6. I can wear the same uniform of a ratty sweater/sweatshirt/t-shirt and a jegging type jean that is my go to so long as I am home, provided that I have worn one new outfit that day and posted it. 

7. I can wear whatever I want when I go the gym. Bahahahahaha. I can barely even write this because I am laughing so hard. This is like saying I can wear whatever I want when I am riding my unicorn or going on a dinner date with Robert Downey, Jr. (Sorry, husband. It's just an example). So really there are only 6 rules. 

This is probably a good time to apologize to my friends, family and especially, my husband. This will be a trying time full of regret and humiliation for most of them. 

I feel it's going to be a long, long year (maybe longer) and that I will be the target of many horrible reactions, sideways glances, vicious comments, lots of unfriending but I am doing this for you too. Really, I am. I want to help you with your own wardrobe psychosis and I am willing to make the ultimate fashion sacrifice - becoming a Fashion Don't.  Over and over and over...  So let the all humiliation hour begin. And we can all blame Sheila. 

And so it begins...

So some of you may recognize this lovely ensemble. New York & Co.  Care to venture an era? I've had it so long I have no idea when I got it. So here are a few things I learned from this first day:

1.  This outfit does not look as good as I thought it did 20 pounds ago. But it doesn't look nearly as bad as I expected it would. Yippee for stretchy shit.

2.  I should take the pictures when I first groom in the morning.  Make-up has a way of simply flying right off of my face as the day progresses and my hair, as evidenced by the ponytail, was well, it was just not having it this afternoon.

3.  Imagine that? My hair doesn't look nearly as bad in a ponytail as always think it does.  I usually reserve ponytails for the gym. Bahahahaha! Still funny.

4. This outfit reminds me that I need to hit the gym.  Bahahahaha! Just never gets old.  I think I will stick my finger down my throat and vomit the 3 slices of bologna I just ate instead.

5.  Definitely need to address the photo taking, lighting, etc. next time.